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Subject: Assorted extracts 4 criticism
Replies: 14 Views: 1337
driverii 13.01.11 - 12:22pm
Ok here's some extracts from my uncompleted novel. Not giving away plot or anything just examples of some things that make me laugh and hoping you'll laugh too. Characters names blanked out. criticism appreciated. . . . . . extract 1 . . . . . .it had recently become apparent that x x xx knew next to nothing of recent history- and even more recently, even less of less recent history. . . . . .. . . . . . Extract2 . . . On a bitter winters night such as this: when the babbling brook had frozen solid and now lay buried beneath blankets of drifting snow; when a howling north easterly wind tore up through the gorge, ripped the smoke from the cottage's crooked tin chimney and shredded it to ribbons; when freeze dried shrubs scr*ped and clawed at the cottage's small square windows as if desperate to reach the warm glow within; one might reasonably have expected the owner to be tucked up warm and snug in bed, but she wasn't. x x x x x x was wearing a tight-fitting beekeeper's outfit and was leaping around her garden shouting and swearing and thrashing at the air with a carpet beater . A hypocritical observer- one who spies on remote mountain cottages at midnight when it is 20 degrees below zero- might have thought her a bit mad. *
driverii 13.01.11 - 01:09pm
x x x took three steps along the garden path and froze. what the...! What had once been a beautifully manicured green and luscious lawn now resembled a field- more specifically a field dating from 1916, in france, on the banks of the river somme. what the hell happened to my lawn? cried x x x. ah, see.. that'll be the rabbits' fault, xx said. rabbits don't do that to grass! protested xx. they do when they explode! *
rose01 13.01.11 - 02:06pm
On the first one.. why are u using so many long words one after the other? *
driverii 13.01.11 - 04:07pm
Extract 1? Don't think any of the words are long. The sentence is. Its supposed to look complicated and slightly confusing but that's the idea. you find yourself having to read it twice or more. . . Mirroring the fact that the character concerned also has a poor memory lol. *
rose01 13.01.11 - 07:08pm
Babbling brook Howling north wind Ripped the smoke.. u'r like trying too hard *
shadow27 13.01.11 - 07:10pm
ah! beekeeper.. i recall you saying long ago about bees playing a role in your story *
driverii 13.01.11 - 07:24pm
Oh that one rose. Er again yes i know its a long sentence. . Its the very 1st time the story visits that particular place and the 1st time we meet that particular character. I really wanted to set the scene describe the weather create an atmosphere then propel the reader straight into an odd situation. I felt i couldn't do that using short sentences. It would break up the flow. That's just me. Others might not like it. You'll be pleased to know there's only 4 or 5 occasions in the whole story when i do that. *
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